I never wanted to visit Switzerland because I heard it’s way too expensive for those on a backpacker’s budget… and I heard absolutely correctly. The Swiss Alps may be cool and all, not that I had any interest in seeing them because I only like warm weather, but Switzerland just wasn’t giving.

I’m being a hater because I’m poor, but Zurich IS NOT IT!!! A can of Pringles for 9 USD? Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!?

I could only stay in Zurich for two days before I continued to Austria, but two days was enough and I’m never going back. Since I basically starved myself to afford to go out and experience what little nightlife I could in my short amount of time, here is my review.

Bars

Both nights I went out in the Langstrasse area, which is basically the old Red Light District of Zurich. Of course, I started my night at Irish pub, Olé-Olé-Bar, and then kind of bar hopped around. A beer costs about 6 USD, so I wasn’t even able to drink that much to forget about how much money I was spending in Zurich. I ended my night at Gotthard Bar, which had a nice, mixed vibe. Prices aside, the bar scene was pretty fun.

Clubs

I forgot the first club I went to, but the second, Piranha club was simply spectacular because it was filled with so many hot black people!!! I met a girl that looked like Lorie Harvey and was finally able to twerk on a fine ass Carribean dude. I haven’t seen so many black people since 2016, and in Zurich of all places! I did do a little walking around at around 1 AM and some of the clubs were still dead, so I think the nightlife here starts a bit later because somehow I stayed out until 7 AM. 

Boys

My objective (because objectives are measurable) was to get the numbers of two cute, foreign embezzlers who are hiding money in their multiple Swiss bank accounts because I could barely afford a gin tonic, but I don’t think they were hanging out in Langstrasse where all of the foreigners and tourists party. I have no opinion of Swiss men, so I’m sorry I can’t be of any help in that department. I think they prefer doing wholesome activities like snowboarding and skiing and not binge drinking.

Drugs

I do not do drugs, but some of my friends do, and since people always assume that I do drugs because of my “Bob Marley” hair, I thought I’d review the drug scene in Zurich as well. I didn’t get Berlin/Tulum pretentious drug vibes, nor did I encounter a bunch of drug dealers hounding people for cocaine discounts at 10 AM. Marijuana is apparently banned in Switzerland, but I had no problem getting it offered to me for free. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Zurich isn’t really the place to get litty litty unless you want to spend 2,000 dollars in one night on shitty speed. 

Walking

Although Zurich has a small population of only 400,000 people, the city is quite spread out, meaning the use of the metro is unavoidable. Single-ride metro tickets are about 4 euros each, so if you’re wearing heels in the winter, you need to stick to one area. It is why I chose to go out and stay in the Langstrasse… I didn’t want to walk, Uber, or taxi.

Police

So I went to a bar, which I’m totally stupid for forgetting the name to SHAME them on Google reviews, and some ugly white man told me to leave, despite sitting alone at the table waiting for my new friend who I had met on the streets. Me, being me, I told him no because who the fuck are you? He pushed me out of the bar, then kicked me to the ground, making me lose my snake ring. I tried to be extra dramatic while he was LITERALLY KICKING ME ON THE GROUND because I WANTED the police to come. A bunch of Swiss people felt so bad and were trying to comfort me, they even helped me talk to the police because they witnessed everything and told them I did nothing wrong and how confused that some man was kicking me on the ground!!!

The Swiss police basically said fuck you and did nothing. I, in turn, called them racist, and they tried to tell me they weren’t racist, they just didn’t want to deal with a white man violently kicking a black girl on the ground. I Karen’d out and asked if there was someone else I could speak to, and they told me I had to be 500 meters away from the bar because I ended up trying to fight the guy after he kicked me. The guy was the manager. After being hit in the eye by the ghetto Bernie Sanders sexpat at Dream Hostel in Kyiv, I am no longer tolerating white men putting their hands on me. I’m not a victim and I will fight back. I was so tempted to buy bleach and pour it all over his bar the next day, but I couldn’t afford it. May both of these ugly, racist white men die and lose all of their money. In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen. 

4/10. Would not party here again.